Let me tell you a little story!
A story from years ago that I now laugh at…
I’m in a little airport in the Dominican Republic on my way home from a beautiful relaxing girls weekend with my friend. The trip was wonderful and I am sad to be leaving. As we stand in line to go through TSA we are having some great conversation and prepared for a laidback ride home. I place my bags on the belt and take off my shoes and wait to be ushered through the scanners. I walk through with no problem but see my bag being carried away and am asked to follow. I am asked if I have anything sharp or hazardous and I reply ‘no’ as they begin unzipping the suitcase. All of a sudden my eyes fall upon a little black pouch I have in the bag and I feel like I am going to be sick!
In my head I am screaming, “No, please no” as he grabs the pouch and my pale complexion turns 50 shades of red! My friend standing nearby looks confused for a second and then recognizes the pouch he is holding and begins to burst into laughter. The TSA agent, that barely speaks English since we are in the Dominican Republic begins to reveal in front of the whole airport a large glass dildo with pretty blue and red swirls. He looks thoroughly confused and turns and proceeds to hold up the dildo for his TSA friends. The other male agent also shrugs in confusion while all his female TSA friends can barely speak because they have all literally erupted into a big pile of hysterical laughter on the airport floor. I hear another American walk through security and says to my friend, “That poor girl”, as my friend is still in a state of hysterics.
Then he turns back to me and places it back into its pouch still looking confused. He then proceeds to throw my panties about looking to see if there is anything else. Then to my horror AGAIN he takes the dildo out and this time holds it straight up in the air, in a statue of liberty type pose, for the entire airport and calls to his male TSA friend. This is about the time when I want a big black hold to swallow me up from the embarrassment that I am feeling. Finally I presume he gets an answer to what kind of “weapon” I have stored in my bag because he begins to turn red, turns to me and in broken English asks if I am married. I shake my head, grab my things, and we are finally able to move along to our gate as I shove my panties all back into the bag.
My cheeks take a good 15mins before they return to normal and I recognize the sexual shame bubbling up inside of me and I fear for customs once we reach the U.S. In the end when we arrived at U.S. customs I take the dildo out and place it loud and proud in the buckets based on friendly advice and am able to sail through the process without any other embarrassing incidents.
So what did I learn from this little experience?
1) Never pack a glass dildo in your carry-on unless you are willing to “own” it because apparently dildos are hazardous weapons!
2) My friend is a fickle human… just kidding, really I learned that some of our most embarrassing moments will turn into the best stories.
And on a more serious note:
3) That just when you think you have worked through all your sexual shame you uncover a new level.
Shame and especially sexual shame is something that I deal with in almost every single one of my clients. Sexual shame begins developing very early in most people from the first time they get scolded as a toddler for touching themselves or for being naked up to adulthood where we/others judge us for our desires and fantasies.
Sexual shame spans our entire lifetime and although there are ways to move past this shame it still tends to be deeply rooted and thus often sprout up even after we have done our personal growth work. Sexual shame work is one of those areas of life that you have to keep coming back too. Our sex is so ingrained in who we are that when we begin to notice sexual sahme coming up it is usually a huge signal.
It is a signal that a belief system is not aligned with our core. It is a signal that we still have some self-love work to do and a deeper level of accepting self and potentially not allowing others/societal shame to be soaked into our very being. It is a signal of a chance for us to GROW!!!
Because now looking back at this moment years later… I can tell you that it was a pivotal moment for me.
Even if we feel good and solid within ourselves, society will still attempt to create these experiences of shame and we will notice old programs arising!
The question that the TSA agent asked me about being married was shaming no matter what way I would have answered it. If I was not married then he was looking down on me for my relationship status and if I was married he was looking down upon me for using a dildo and not my husband. Then there was my internal sexual shame that reminded me that ‘good girls’ don’t bring dildos on airplanes. It did not matter in that moment that I knew that to be complete bullshit, that sexuality is normal and healthy, or that I’ve done several dozen workshops with sex toys spread before me without an ounce of shame. No, in that moment the sex-shamed “good girl” from years ago was the only part of me speaking.
So by owning it… Feeling into the shame and recognizing it as such…. And then making a choice to no longer hold that shame. I can tell you I moved through many moments following that with much more ease and confidence. I disconnected from that “good girl” program a bit more and connected deeper in with my true core.
We ALL experience shame. It is part of being human and expanding through our shadows and into the light but it is there. Denying it does not help you but listening to it and following it’s pecking orders is even more dangerous.
You have a choice. You can allow your emotions… including shame to rule, you or you can see them and allow them to catapult you forwards. Forwards because you are saying “HELL NO! I’m not doing this!!!”. Instead walking with your head held high and breathing into the knowledge and fear that arises when we look at shame straight in the face. Also, we move forward and become models when someone tries to off-put their shame and negative belief systems and we hold our ground. Look them in the eye and don’t allow them to rattle you.
I can tell you that the TSA agent SAW my shame but I can also tell you that 2 years later when I got into an argument when sexual shame was being heaped on thick… I didn’t budge. I didn’t even see the “good girl” shame come up at all.
Look your shame in the face and love it for the lessons but don’t listen to the B.S. it is trying to push. When you do… you expand exponentially!
Go be fierce and fiery today!
And Claim your Fulfilling Life
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